I feel that I’ve been part of the most incredible experience of surfacing deep shadow. One reason I started this blog was just to record what unfolded and to help me make sense of all the different layers and dynamics. I can just speak for me and my experience. I experienced support and help for others but they are not mentioned here because their story is their story to tell and it’s not my right to tell it here. I felt great support from one particular friend who catalysed me to do this. Thank you.
On Friday the 2nd October, I saw that my old professor (or advisor as we called them at FWC/FWP) had been posting on our alumni page. He was seeking collaborators in a book project, a book that would celebrate FWC. People from all years were excited and responded positively.
But I felt very uneasy, upset and angry. What about the shadow side of all this? Should I just surpress it and leave the group?
I had complained about Jeff’s sexual harassment and inappropriate behaviour just under 30 years ago. I knew that there were other woman who complained. I really didn’t want to have to do a big disclosure and expose everything again so many years later. I’m also not a malicious person. I felt like I had made my peace with this years ago and I had never any intention of looking for Jeff or calling him out. I had seen his name around over the years – giving talks and so on… once at the Quaker Centre in Birmingham which saddened me greatly as I knew many people there. But to be honest, I wanted to forget the whole thing and leave it behind. I had done what I needed to do at the time and I hoped he had learnt something too. I also knew what a struggle it was to be heard and I didn’t see the point of putting myself through all this.
But this was different. I put this as a comment on the post. I started with an ironic and angry sentence that I hoped would be a warning.
I hoped that he would take the hint. When I am feeling ungenerous, I think maybe he will silently go off… But actually, I really hoped for an acknowledgement and apology. That would have been real closure. I love redemption stories and movies… I always hold out for this. I always think it’s possible.
Instead, there was denial. He accused me and others of spreading rumours and of lying.
If he had acknowledged it and owned his behaviour things might have been different. But he didn’t – he sifted blame and took no responsibility . In his denial, he said that his record at FWC/FWP had been impeccable, that he had never been accussed of such things. But I knew this wasn’t true. I had received letters from him and from his boss who said that Jeff had been warned if he did this again, he would lose his job.
When I got home from my trip, I went to search for the letters. To be honest, I was convinced that I had lost or thrown them away. Over the years I had moved several times and I had also hired a declutter coach, who helped me let go of lots of paper and stuff that I didn’t need to hold onto.
We’d also had had a tremendous mouse problem (common in London) before we got our fantastic cat Beckzy – a predator of the good kind who despatches mice with ruthless determination. The mice chewed through lots of things and I did think that even if I found the box, the letters could have been chewed away.
But, when I opened the old dusty archive box there the letters were. All intact. All telling their story. I feel that the universe/divine/god had a hand in ensuring these letters could come to be shared. I took them to a professional printer and had them professionally scanned. I shared them with the group in a post saying:
A few days ago, we questioned whether Jeff was the best person to lead on a book celebrating FWC/FWP. We had hoped for an acknowledgement that mistakes were made but lessons had been learnt. Instead we were met with doubling down & accusations of spreading rumours. I initially wanted to run away & hide. But when I re-read a copy of my initial complaint letter that I filed away all those years ago, I realised that my younger self had nothing to be ashamed of and I have nothing to be embarrassed about now. Those that were adults & in positions of authority at the time should pause & reflect whether they enacted their duty of care to students. Linda Yarr was the only adult and member of staff who reached out to listen and support me – thank you Linda. And thank you to the other young women at the college who were there and had their own trials that they went through. I have just posted scans just three of the letters I kept in an archive box all these years: My initial letter of complaint (undated but sent in May 1991), Jeff’s response and the response of the Vice President of Long Island University at the time, Walter Jones.
When I re-read this, I was amazed. My younger self wrote beautifully about what had happened. She was calm. She listed the incidents. She didn’t attack. She was articulate. I am so proud of her.
Those two years after I left the Israel center allowed me to consider and process what had happened when I was an 18/19 year old in her second year of university. In London, I did an internship at Women Against Sexual Harassment and that gave me the words to express what had happened. I had kept personal journals throughout all my time at college and I could go back and pick out the most painful and uncomfortable incidents. I told Linda Yarr at the North American centre all about what happened and she supported me to write the letter and send it.
So, after I sent this letter to Jeff and to the others cc’d in this, I received this response with Jeff had also cc’d to the same leaders.
In the letter, he admits to all that I said but in some cases he minimises it, or he says it was taken out of context or he justifies unjustifiable behaviour. To be honest, I find it really, really hard to read this letter. I’ve scan read it quickly a couple of times and it is like a punch in the stomach every time. But I am so glad I kept it. Because it proves the most undeniable testimony and truth that I wasn’t lying.
After I received this, I heard nothing from LIU. LIU had recently taken over Jeff’s employment and had actually promoted him to interim Director of the whole FWP. So, I wrote to LIU. I didn’t keep a copy of this letter but in it, I pointed out that the Anita Hill hearings were going on and sexual harassment is now a legal issue. I then got this letter.
Walter Jones admitted that he could see that Jeff had done wrong….. from Jeff’s own letter. He said Jeff was warned not to do it again or he would lose his job.
To be honest, it was disappointing. It was disappointing that replying to my initial letter was not a priority. And it was disappointing that a mere slap on the wrist was considered acceptable. However, it did have an impact I think on the experiences of students who came after me.
But the good thing about this letter from Walter Jones is that it provides yet another confirmation that I was not a liar, that I didn’t read the situation wrong as a young person
After I put the letters on the FB group, there was a great unfolding of stories and another woman posted a similar account, with even more devastating details.
The process that followed was so amazing and beautiful and painful and triggering that I don’t know if I can capture it…. I might try in the sometime in the future perhaps. I also hope others will do so as well in their own writing or reflections…. or perhaps in the however the book project reforms itself as….
Ocean of Lightness 